Wither Up

I have been reading a book titled ‘The Huntress’ by Kate Quinn. The setting is during the 2nd World War. It flips between two main people- one during the war and the other during a time after the war. Anyways, the time was so different then. Families had a shop that was the family business and everyone worked there when they got old enough to do so. Then the shop passed down from generation to generation. That’s how it was. The father was a business man whose son would one day walk in his footsteps. Women stayed home to chase babies and keep house before the war… and even after the war was over. The women who survived just had to go right back to housekeeping. It was a different time. The young character in the book said ‘All dreams wither up in the glaring light of real life.’ 

Wow.. that is so profound. 

I remember being in high school. I kept telling myself that was going to be big someday. When I turned 18, I would finally have the strength to walk out David’s door and never look back. I was going to New York, ya’ll! I was going to change my name and become a photojournalist. I would hitch hike there, if I had to. ‘Couldn’t be treated worse than I have my whole life.” I would tell myself. Whatever it took to get away. 

That’s not how it was. I ran away, graduated early, and got out of town. Didn’t go far though; El Dorado, AR. I remember sitting in my mom’s house, months later, feeling disappointed. How I hadn’t fulfilled my dream. How I hadn’t went to New York. There I was living with my mom and working because that is what you gotta do. There it was- the realization that life had swallowed up my dream. It took a while to get over, but I did. (Turns out- not a fan of New York. LOL)

Sometimes this is still true, for me. The things you always want to do. Or the things you wish you had time for… BOOM! Life is just standing there like ‘HELLO! You’ve got no time. You have responsibilities. Turn around and go back to start. Do not pass GO! Do not collect $200.’ Oh wait.. that’s Monopoly, not The Game of Life. :D

So I just grab onto what I can and let go of most everything else. Life will change your focus. It will bring you everything and nothing. It will suck and be great. It goes up & down and back again. Hold on tight.

Leader. Leader. Pumpkin Eater.

 I did it again.. Took forever to write another one. You know how they say "If it is important to you, then you will make time for it?" I don't necessarily agree with that. There are a lot of things that I would love to do, but there just isn't the time. So, FOOEY on that! Well, anyways. I have had something on my mind for a while to write about. Probably not the easiest thing for me to talk about but I gotta get it out there. 

Leadership. 

What is it? I have struggled with the meaning of this word for longer than anyone should. I never looked at myself as a leader or even considered myself to have leadership qualities for a long time. I used to work for a company that was super big into leadership training. I think that is when I first learned that *maybe* I have leadership qualities. I would toy around with that idea in my head off and on. Something would always come up that would change my mind. "You have that quality!"    "Oh, no. Never mind. You are not like that." It has just been a constant back and forth to this day with what the heck a leader is! Does anyone really know? ughhh.

I remember doing an event and it going so well. Of course, there are always hiccups to any event but this one was so good! I just knew that me and my team would get so much praise for a job well done! That is what a good leader does for their team. They take the moments to celebrate success, no matter how small. Instead we were met with "See how you were successful? I did that for you. I set you up to be successful." Umm.. come again? There were a lot of moments that made me feel less empowered, less confident, and not like leadership material at all. Then to hear that was devastating to my soul. But then something clicked, and I realized that I had heard that phrase before. "You got those As because of me. I am the one that did that." That is when I knew that the "leadership" I was under was not for me. I believe that people deserve to receive the credit that they worked for and not in a watered down form. 

Give. The. Damn. Credit. 

I am NOT perfect by any means. Like.. holy crap- sometimes the worst. I have to physically tell myself to not be petty sometimes. LOL. Of course, NO ONE is perfect. I know that, but it seems that a "leader" should at least be decent and willing to try to be better. I think I have that. I am an OK person who tries to do good, but messes up all the time. Like.. A LOT. Seriously working on my mental health, ya'll. Anyways, here is my question. If someone steals money, while claiming to be a leader in the community; a well known 'advocate'; in all the magazines.. is that person still a leader? What if they have made a quiet vow to 'change' and 'do good.' Does that reverse what they did? Do they get a second chance? I struggle with this. I see people like this lifted up in the community or beaming from ear to ear in a 'leadership' group or role and I think to myself, "I am totally not a leader." 

What if someone goes out of their way to be mean or cruel? Like unprovoked just plain mean. And said person is in all the 'leadership' groups and teaches it too! Is that was a leader does? Make you feel small, and meek so that you will want to be better? Oh wait.. is that a challenge to help you "grow." Love that one. "Well, I am doing this to challenge you. I am doing this to help you grow." 

Ummm.... No, thanks. 

So, here I am. Unable to understand the concept of a leader or leadership qualities. I couldn't even sit through a short 1 hour open discussion leadership class without crying because I am cray cray. I don't talk about it a lot because it comes from a misunderstood place for me. This whole leadership thing is hard, ya'll! And why do I care so much? I HAVE NO IDEA! But here it is, weighing on my mind. 

Thanks, ya'll.