What do you determine to be "successful?"
When do you reach the point in your life where you say, "I am a successful human!" ???
It's like I have had these pictures in my head of what 'being successful' means. It was me working so hard at a career to reach the top and be unstoppable. It was doing everything by myself because that is what I have to do. I cannot rely on others. I cannot show weakness. This is something that has been on my mind for years- even more since I had a kid. I suddenly became very aware of just how uneducated I am. I quit college because it was too hard and too much and I just wanted to be married to my first husband and not worry with it all. I didn't like it like I did high school... boy, was that a dumb decision. I push myself so hard and so much just trying to prove something. Every day feels like a disappointment. I have to mentally make myself stop to look at what I have done and where I am. Of course, that doesn't mean that I do that every day. I have to remind myself again and again that I have done something right somewhere... haven't I?
I am constantly comparing myself to those who graduated college and in the same breath lifting up others who did not. I am so afraid that one day I will regret not going back to school more than I already do. It feels me with such sadness. I am equally afraid that one day my lack of education will be something that Sophie is embarrassed of. She is a freaking genius, ya'll. Does that mean that I am not successful? Because I quit college?
I remember my first job. Working at Ebby's Cafe in El Dorado, Arkansas when I was just 18 years old. (That is if you don't count the times we had to bus the tables for our mom when were kids... or when I babysat when I was a teenager. Of course, bio dad didn't let me have any of that money, so that doesn't count!) To think that I have gone from being a waitress to the healthcare field then later food management to retail management then again into healthcare and onto Business Development. Um... what?? I would have never thought in a million years that I would be qualified for a job like the one I have, but I totally am. I love building relationships with people and helping businesses grow. I love meeting with all kinds of people and learning from them. I love to teach others and to help wherever I can. And I get to do all of that with this job. Does that mean that I am successful? Because I got a job without a degree?
How about how others see me? Wait.. we are not supposed to care about that right? I guess it's hard for me to really believe what others say to me or about me. I have a hard time trusting people these days. Even when I know they are saying something true, I still question their position in the whole thing. I don't understand what others see as "awesome" when it is just me doing something I have always done. I just do what has to be done or needs to be done or what I know to do because I know I am the one who needs/has to do it. So, is that how I judge my success? By the words of others?
I always thought, "People like me don't own houses." I still don't know the exact reason, but I got it in my head about 2 years ago that I want to start thinking of buying a house. Just thinking of it.. that is all. Months went by before I mentioned it to a local realtor. I was 100% honest with her. My credit sucked- it always has. And I have no idea where to start and I have no money for a down payment. She introduced me to a mortgage company in town that also specializes in helping people build their credit up with a plan that is specific to their credit scores. That is exactly what I needed. In May of last year, I had one credit score (540) out of three and it was with Experian. The bank that my car loan is at only reports to Experian so at least I had that going for me! They advised me on how to get the items off my credit that were on there (medical crap) and to get a secured credit card. (So many people recommended a secured credit card. I should have listened sooner!) It wasn't always easy, but I stuck with it. Charged something and paid it off as soon as it hit my app so that it wouldn't build interest. Repeat. To finally know, less than a year later, that I actually have a chance at owning a home one day brought tears to my eyes.
As of today, I have been officially preapproved for a home loan of $125,000. I am nowhere near ready to buy a home. I have to get the stuff with my bio dad resolved and get a down payment, but the foster child in me would have never dreamed of having a home. A real home to call her own.
WOW... I can buy a home for my family.
Am I successful now?
(Picture is of me from high school- when buying a home never crossed my mind. Just having a decent home was all I thought of.)
